ANONYMOUS DIES IN A FIRE
REUTERS: Anonymous, singlehandedly responsible for the success of the Internet, was found dead in your home today, along with as many as 16 bodies, by police and rescue workers after a catastrophic fire engulfed your house earlier this morning. Police say that among them were three firefighters who were trapped in a basement while bravely attempting to free your hopelessly pinned body from a section of scorched roofing that collapsed and smashed through two floors. After a vain attempt to pry you from the wreckage, the stairway burned out from beneath their feet, trapping and eventually suffocating them. Among other victims found were a twenty-four year old elementary school teacher clinging to a nine-year-old girl in a wheelchair. Nearby, two adorable doe-eyed puppies, your mother and sister, and three college students, who had their whole lives ahead of them, were found burned beyond recognition. The bodies of a young man and a young woman were also discovered in a tiny closet under at least four tons of debris, where they apparently spent their last moments in an innocent, passionate embrace before suffocating and being consumed by temperatures that may have been as high as 1,100 degrees F.
The fire marshal addressed the press this afternoon. He released this statement: "it is apparent to us that this Anonymous indivivual had, in fact, developed a sound and effective treatment for a series of deadly degenerative diseases that involved the use of propane, hydrogen and magnesium. However, he stupidly ignited the entire concoction, destroying all documentation, and furthermore maiming and killing not only himself, but an amazingly improbable array of innocent lives." The fire marshal then stunned and shocked the crowd by pulling a handgun out of a nearby police officer's holster and shooting himself in the head.