So there are these two guys, one is from Spain & the other is from England. Well, the Spanish dude is SUCH a total douchebag! He, like, kills his dog, kisses his girlfriend, and punches him into the gutter.
Then the Spanish dude finds this mask that turns him into a vampire and goes WRYYYYYYYYY a lot, and the English guy has to learn to use crazy-ass Circle-of-Life Simba magic to knock his Conquistadouche ass out.
Then they're on a boat, and the Spanish guy takes his body.