Beginner rendering in Blender

No.524143 ViewReplyOriginalReport
So I've been modelling things for quite a while now, but now I need to actually learn to render them, as in scenes etc.; as you can see by pic related, I am... quite a shit at it. All I can find is things like "how to reduce grain" or "how to make renders look even better" (geared towards intermediate). I can't find anything that assumes I know absolutely zero about setting up a scene and how to make my first renders not look like dogshit. Yeah, sure, I can stick lights in there, but my renders still look like they were made in the early 90's.

tl;dr how do I be not shit at rendering in Blender?